You Were My Strength
by youren0tahero
Summary: "You're so strong," Kurt whispers in his ear..."I'm not," Blaine whimpers. "I'm not, I'm not strong." triggers/warnings inside.


**A/N**: I guess I should apologize right now. I'm sorry.

**Word count: **2, 677

_**Triggers/warnings:**_ A warning, I guess, would be to tell you that I cried in the process of writing this. Then, I made a good friend of mine read it after I finished and she cried while reading it. This fic is angsty, there is death in the fic. Not as it happens, but mentions of it afterwards. This is the first fic that I have written like this, so I hope you enjoy it.

* * *

Blaine Anderson had not left his room in six days. It had been nine days since it actually happened. He had tried—really, he had—to be a part of the world despite having his taken from him, but every time he left the comfort of his dark room he'd get looks of pity and sympathy. And Blaine didn't need it. He was perfectly content with lying in bed, only getting up to use the restroom and _sometimes _eat. He barely had the will to shower the one time he did in the past nine days.

He's standing outside of the building, his legs unable to get him from point A to point B. He knew that he promised that he'd be there, but now that he had actually arrived he wasn't sure he had the strength to go inside. Going inside would make it more real, and Blaine was perfectly content with living and denial and waiting for the day that he'd get a phone call that'd say 'Hah! You fell for it! I can't _believe_ you fell for it.' He sees a few familiar faces pass by him to walk into the building, recognizing a few people he had only met once or twice before. They knew who he was, though, the look of pity in their eyes made Blaine sure of it.

"Blaine?"

Blaine spins around to find Rachel Berry standing behind him, still just as small and still just as beautiful, but she was lacking her usual peppy charisma that day. Blaine bites the inside of his lip, trying to will away the tears that were already beginning to form in his eyes. Concerned was etched on Rachel's face and Blaine finally found the strength the blink away the tears. "Uh," he sniffles. "Rachel, hi," he gives her as much of a smile as he can possibly manage, given the circumstances.

"Why aren't you inside?" she asks, the worry evident in her tone.

Blaine looks up at the building again. "I'm trying," he whispers, his throat tightening and his voice breaking. "I'm trying, I really am, Rachel, I swear. I just don't think I can do this." He swallows the sob that had threatened to escape from his throat. He's trying so hard to be strong, if only for a few hours. Blaine has to do it, he has to be strong. He has to do it for him.

Rachel walks closer to him, and Blaine flinches. Six whole days locked in your room without human contact can do that to you, he supposes. She reaches out hesitantly towards him, as if Blaine were a wounded animal. In a way, he guesses, he kind of is. She very slowly reaches for his hand, lacing her fingers with his. "It's hard, I know," she says, smiling sadly. "And I know it may seem like the end of the world right now, but believe me when I say that someday this pain will be useful to you."

She tugs at his hand; slowly guiding him into the building he had been so scared of not even a minute ago. He finds it very difficult to think of the possibility of him having a "someday" for the pain to even be useful. He doesn't even want a today, he didn't want yesterday. He most definitely does not want tomorrow. "Do you want to sit with us?" Rachel gestures down the aisle to a row where all the other members of New Directions are seated.

"Uh," he shakes his head. "No, I have to sit in the front, I promised I was going to speak."

Rachel nods her head in understanding, letting go of his hand and placing a gentle peck on his cheek before making her way over to the group that was waiting for her. They look just as sad as she does. Tina's an absolute mess, eyes overflowing and red. You can tell Mercedes is trying her damndest not to cry. That's just who she is, strong and fierce and independent and she won't give anyone the satisfaction of seeing her broken. He knows her secret though, even if they haven't talked in six days he knows she goes home and cries, too. Blaine admires her strength. _Somebody_ needs to be strong.

Blaine hesitantly walks into the room lined with row after row of chairs. There's a lot more people here than he'd have expected. Is it close family members? Are they habitants of Lima? Did they ever even really care? Did they even have a right to be here? Where were they nine days ago? Where were they for the last seventeen years? Maybe if they had been there, things would have been different. Maybe if they had been there, he wouldn't have to be where he was at right now.

Blaine walks down the aisle to the very front row where the Hummel-Hudson's are seated. Burt stands up as soon as he sees Blaine, pulling Blaine into him and crushing him into his chest, squeezing him for dear life. But it's okay. Blaine is perfectly fine with this. It's then, in the arms of Burt Hummel, Blaine loses the strength to make the tears go away. "Burt," he sobs, digging his face into his shoulder. Blaine hugs back just as tight, clinging on to the man for all that he's worth. "I'm sorry, Burt, I'm so sorry," Blaine manages to choke out through the tears.

Burt pulls back, hands on Blaine's shoulders and looks him in the eye. He smiles a sad smile and gives Blaine a humorless laugh, his eyes glistening with tears that are threatening to flow down his cheeks. "Listen to me, buddy," he says, his voice cracking. "_Please_ listen to me." Blaine nods his head, wiping the tears from his cheeks with the back of his hand. "_No one_ is at fault here, okay?" Blaine sniffles and nods his head.

Blaine sits down beside Finn, who looks just as torn as everyone else that he has to be here. Finn just nods his head at Blaine, not even bothering to give him a fake smile. Blaine appreciates it; he can't bring himself to smile either. They sit there and wait for everyone who's coming to file in and find seats. Blaine looks around the huge room. He looks through crowd and looks for familiar faces. "I can't believe this many people showed up."

Blaine jumps up in his seat, turning back around and being met face to face with Kurt. Kurt Hummel, his boyfriend, the light and love of his life. Kurt, what could he ever do without Kurt? Blaine smiles sadly as Kurt takes the seat next to him. "I think it's just the guilt," he manages to say. Kurt takes the empty seat next to him, pressing close again Blaine and lacing their fingers together.

"You're so strong," Kurt whispers in his ear. "I'm so sorry you have to go through this."

"I'm not," Blaine whimpers. "I'm not, I'm not strong." He presses his forehead to Kurt's, squeezing his eyes shut and cutting off the flow of tears. "I'm not strong," he whispers brokenly. Kurt shushes him, rubbing comforting circles in Blaine's back as Blaine hides his face in the crook of Kurt's neck. Blaine repeats the same three words over and over, and Kurt continues to whisper reassurances that yes, Blaine is strong in his ear. Blaine is _so_ strong for doing this.

The doors to the room have closed and it's time now. The room is silent, and Kurt whispers, "You've got to be quiet now, baby." Blaine nods his head and pulls away from Kurt, looking forward. Kurt's hand finds Blaine's again and he laces his fingers through Blaine's. The pad of Kurt's thumb wipes across the bags under Blaine's eyes, catching the few tears that still stubbornly fall. Burt clears his throat and stands up, walking to the front of the room to stand behind a podium. Kurt lays his head on Blaine's shoulder, rubbing his thumb across Blaine's knuckles.

That's what Blaine pays attention to as Burt speaks. He pays attention to the feel of Kurt's hand in his. He pays attention to the weight of Kurt's head on his shoulder, anchoring him down and keeping him from floating away. He pays attention to the way Kurt's hair feels soft against his skin when he hides his face in it. He pays attention to the sweet fruity scent that is Kurt. He pays attention to the boy sitting next to him, the source of his strength. "I love you," Kurt whispers softly.

"I love you so much," Blaine answers.

Blaine's so caught up in paying attention to the boy he loves he doesn't even notice the silence that has once again fallen over the room. Burt's still standing in the front of the room, waiting. He clears his throat, "Blaine?" Blaine tears his eyes away from the beautiful blue-eyed boy at his side and looks up to Burt. "Do you still wanna speak, kiddo?"

Blaine looks down at Kurt. Should he? Does he even still want to speak? Forget that, even if he wanted to would he actually be able to get up there and speak without breaking down in front of everyone? But Kurt smiles and for the first time in nine days Blaine feels warmth in his body, he feels goose bumps and butterflies fluttering through him. He untangles himself from Blaine and pats him on the back. "You can do this, Blaine. You're so strong, baby, don't ever forget that." Blaine nods and mouths 'I love you' to Kurt, because the words get caught in his throat. Kurt whispers the words back though, ushering Blaine to the front of the room.

Burt claps his hand on Blaine's back as Blaine makes his way to the podium. "You don't have to talk if you don't want to, I know this is hard. I just figured you'd want to and—" Blaine shakes his head, muttering assurances to Burt that he can do this. Because Kurt wants him to, because Kurt thinks he is strong.

Burt walks back to his seat, sitting down and looking straight ahead at Blaine. Blaine looks out into the crowd. His eyes land on Rachel and see mascara running down her cheeks. He looks at Mercedes and can practically see her crumbling down right in front of him. But finally, his eyes find Kurt's beautiful bright blue ones. And with Kurt's smile, Blaine finally finds the strength to speak. "Two years ago, my life was changed," he begins.

"Two years ago I was just on my way to an impromptu performance when a beautiful boy stopped me going down the stairs. Two years ago, I memorized his coffee order. Two years ago I heard him sing and," he voice catches in his throat. "And it was like for the longest time I was living in darkness, and I didn't even know it. But then he opened his mouth and beautiful melodies poured out and," he wipes tears away with the back of his hand. "And it was as if someone turned the lights on. It was as if I was really _seeing_ the world for the first time. And there he was, as beautiful and as amazing as ever and it had taken me so long to realize it.

Everyday for two years he made me smile. He was, he was everything that was good with the world." Blaine shudders, swallowing down a sob. He looks out at Kurt's smile before turning to look to the right of him at the open coffin with a beautiful pale skinned, blue-eyed boy in it.

"But nine days ago, I was on my way home after going out to eat dinner with my parents when I got a phone call. It was Burt. It was Burt telling that, that something had happened to Kurt. Something horrible and awful had happened to Kurt and he hadn't made it. And just like that, it was as if someone came and turned all the lights off. I was lost and scared and I couldn't see anymore. My light was taken away from me.

Kurt was the strongest person I had ever had the pleasure to know. He was going through so much when I met him, had already been through so much and would still go through a lot in the future. But no matter how many times someone knocked Kurt over, he got right back up. Every time someone tried to break him, he'd stay put together." Blaine pauses, swallowing back a sob. He looks out to the front row, to where Kurt was sitting with him and whispering 'I love you' not too long ago.

But he's not there.

He won't ever be again.

"I don't know what it was that finally did it. I wish I had known what it was that had finally made him crack. Maybe if I had known, I'd have had time mend those cracks and keep him here. For the past nine days, I've done nothing but ask myself questions. Why? That's the main one. Why, why, why? Why him? Why take him? Why did he decide to go? Why didn't he come to me? Why wasn't I enough to make him want to stay?

I can- I can still feel him, you know? I can still feel the weight of his head on my shoulder and the feel of his palm in mine. I can still smell him, and I can still see his smile. Like maybe this is just some terrible nightmare and I'm going to wake up with him beside me because he never really left. Kurt will always be a part of me. He was, he was everything. He was the sun and the moon and the stars. He was the light and the sunshine. I didn't want us to end, and I guess that's what the problem was. All good things really do come to an end.

Thank you, so much, Kurt. Thank you for letting me in, thank you for giving me a chance. I cannot tell you how grateful I am that I met you. I am so lucky to have been given a chance to love you, to be loved the way that I know you loved me. Don't think of this as goodbye, because it isn't.

I'm never gonna say goodbye to you, Kurt Hummel."

* * *

Blaine is driving home, tears falling from his cheeks and rain pounding down against the windshield. He can't keep driving. He can't see, and if he keeps driving he'll crash. But as Blaine slows down to pull over on the side of the road he can't help but think… So what? So what if he crashed right now? It wouldn't make a difference.

Blaine unbuckles his seatbelt and climbs out of the car. The rain is pouring down hard, and each raindrop stings his skin. He doesn't care. When Kurt left, he took Blaine with him. He's an empty shell of the person he used to be. The past nine days have been absolute hell. How had Blaine managed to survive sixteen whole years without Kurt? He doesn't know, everything before Kurt is foggy, dark.

He's pulled over on a bridge that overlooks a small lake below. He's having trouble figuring out what's rain pouring down his face and what's his tears. Kurt had been strong, hadn't he? Kurt had been the strongest person Blaine had ever met. The world was unfair to him, and had put him through hell and back and Kurt still stayed strong. So what was it that had finally ruined that?

"_You are so strong,_" Kurt's words run through his head. Kurt believed that Blaine was strong. But, then again, Blaine had believed that Kurt was strong.

So as Blaine stands on the bridge, staring down into the water of the lake, he can't help but wonder.

Is he strong?


End file.
